no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
