I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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