We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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