Who did Billy Mays play for?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
