I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
