Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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