how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
