someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
