He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
