She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
