I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
