Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
