between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
