Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
