I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
