Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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