It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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