I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
