My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
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I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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