I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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