She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
