Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
