just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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