Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
