Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
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She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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