i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
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i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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