Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
