New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
