Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
