I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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