The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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