the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
