We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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