Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
