What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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