She's like a pop up book from hell.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
