WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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