just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
