im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
