he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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