Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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