Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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