don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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