i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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