You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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