I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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