I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
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i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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