She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
