Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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