You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
