I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
