Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
