and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
