Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
